Last night we had sex. It was consensual and fun and all. He made all
preparations for breakfast this morning: strawberry pancakes and hot
vanilla-flavored coffee. We’re now walking in the park, holding hands, already
a couple, although we only met last night. Alex is handsome, it’s Sunday
morning, the skies clear blue above our heads. I shouldn’t be bothered by his
tight grip, but I am.
He says he has plans for tonight. I realize, by the look in his eyes, I should be thrilled I’m included. He says he’s willing to introduce me to his friends. That’s an honor, I tell him. He has been expecting that answer, judging by his arrogant smile. He explains he’s into one-night stands, but this time it’s different. I’m into one-night stands too, I tell him. He thinks I’m joking, but I’m not.
I tell him this restaurant’s too expensive for me. I’d rather have lunch somewhere cheaper. Take it easy, he tells me, trying to sound comforting, yet I hear it as an order. I call Gina while he’s also taking a call. Gina tells me she’s proud of me. She thought I couldn’t get serious about relationships, that I couldn’t fall in love. He takes the phone off my hand when he sits down. I realize he’s inviting Gina at the club we’re supposed to go tonight. Gina’s thrilled. What a catch she tells me, before she hangs up. I look at him frustrated. He says I shouldn’t mind that stuff but I do.
At the club, he’s introducing me to Bruce, who’s his best friend. He then grabs me by the waist, brings me closer and kisses me for about twenty seconds. That was a breath-taking kiss. I mean literally breath-taking, as I ran out of air, while counting the seconds until he stopped. He looks me in the eye, his hand still holding my hand, while caressing my face with his free hand. I’m fixing my hair that’s all over my face, but I need my two hands to properly perform the action. So I withdraw my hand from his grip. He seems offended I chose my hair over him. In his mind, we’re already a couple. In my mind, we’ve already broken up.
We dance for a while and that’s the only time of the day I feel my body belongs to me. Gina whispers in my ear, while dancing next to me. She’s determined to make a move on Bruce. I watch her best efforts to seduce him, only Bruce doesn’t seem impressed. When she puts her arm around his neck, during a dancing move, he pushes it away, turning his back on her. He wants to be clear he doesn’t appreciate her advances, but he’s kind of rude.
When Alex approaches for another kiss, I also push him away. Isn’t it a bit too late to play hard to get? he asks, using his both hands to bring me closer and entrap me into his arms, his lips almost touching mine now, my feet unwillingly following his steps, as we go on dancing, like nothing’s happening, like he’s not forcing his body onto mine. Before his mouth reaches mine, I manage to tell him we’re through, and keep on dancing, smiling, stepping away from his embrace little by little, not to make a scene. He pulls me closer as if he hasn’t heard a thing, but I know he’s heard and I know my words don’t mean a thing to him, as he’s pushing his tongue into my mouth. I’m sick and tired of people pushing me around. My boss asking for more, magazines telling me how to dress, or walk or properly behave and it may be the drinks which make me strong enough to defend my life, or anyone’s, only now it’s about me. Mom says I should be thankful, for mom thinks she raised a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do. Only I was born human. Alex’s so certain I enjoyed his kiss that he doesn’t notice me slapping him. Before long, he touches his cheek, then walks away.
Bruce comes my way after a while, asking what happened. He’s caring, taking my side, despite his long friendship with Alex. Let me buy you a drink, he says. I see Gina dancing with Alex and I nod. He sits next to me, resting his hand on my thigh. I take it in my hands and put it on his drink. That’s where it belongs, I tell him. He grins and places it back onto my thigh. I feel like my body’s in the public domain now, like anyone can use it, however conveniently they wish, without my permission. I pour my drink onto his pants. What’s wrong with you? he asks.
Gina sits silently next to me, after Bruce and Alex leave the club. She orders another drink and sighs. A couple of sips later, she asks what went wrong. It may be the music, too loud, or the drinks, which made me dizzy, or I just wanted myself back, I tell her. She rolls her eyes, like she only hears cheap excuses. She insists I should have considered the option, like I should mute my natural inclination to freedom and appreciate the cage. Life in a cage is limited, yet all comforts are included. She considers me a mystery, a riddle, an ‘undefined’ territory, as if I’m divided by zero and don’t fit proper mathematics, or the proper world. You’ll end up alone with that attitude, she says and that’s almost a threat. A threat worse than death, only I know better; if my only chance at life is in a cage, I’ll spend it rattling the bars, for worse than loneliness or even death, is a life lived by me without my permission.
He says he has plans for tonight. I realize, by the look in his eyes, I should be thrilled I’m included. He says he’s willing to introduce me to his friends. That’s an honor, I tell him. He has been expecting that answer, judging by his arrogant smile. He explains he’s into one-night stands, but this time it’s different. I’m into one-night stands too, I tell him. He thinks I’m joking, but I’m not.
I tell him this restaurant’s too expensive for me. I’d rather have lunch somewhere cheaper. Take it easy, he tells me, trying to sound comforting, yet I hear it as an order. I call Gina while he’s also taking a call. Gina tells me she’s proud of me. She thought I couldn’t get serious about relationships, that I couldn’t fall in love. He takes the phone off my hand when he sits down. I realize he’s inviting Gina at the club we’re supposed to go tonight. Gina’s thrilled. What a catch she tells me, before she hangs up. I look at him frustrated. He says I shouldn’t mind that stuff but I do.
At the club, he’s introducing me to Bruce, who’s his best friend. He then grabs me by the waist, brings me closer and kisses me for about twenty seconds. That was a breath-taking kiss. I mean literally breath-taking, as I ran out of air, while counting the seconds until he stopped. He looks me in the eye, his hand still holding my hand, while caressing my face with his free hand. I’m fixing my hair that’s all over my face, but I need my two hands to properly perform the action. So I withdraw my hand from his grip. He seems offended I chose my hair over him. In his mind, we’re already a couple. In my mind, we’ve already broken up.
We dance for a while and that’s the only time of the day I feel my body belongs to me. Gina whispers in my ear, while dancing next to me. She’s determined to make a move on Bruce. I watch her best efforts to seduce him, only Bruce doesn’t seem impressed. When she puts her arm around his neck, during a dancing move, he pushes it away, turning his back on her. He wants to be clear he doesn’t appreciate her advances, but he’s kind of rude.
When Alex approaches for another kiss, I also push him away. Isn’t it a bit too late to play hard to get? he asks, using his both hands to bring me closer and entrap me into his arms, his lips almost touching mine now, my feet unwillingly following his steps, as we go on dancing, like nothing’s happening, like he’s not forcing his body onto mine. Before his mouth reaches mine, I manage to tell him we’re through, and keep on dancing, smiling, stepping away from his embrace little by little, not to make a scene. He pulls me closer as if he hasn’t heard a thing, but I know he’s heard and I know my words don’t mean a thing to him, as he’s pushing his tongue into my mouth. I’m sick and tired of people pushing me around. My boss asking for more, magazines telling me how to dress, or walk or properly behave and it may be the drinks which make me strong enough to defend my life, or anyone’s, only now it’s about me. Mom says I should be thankful, for mom thinks she raised a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do. Only I was born human. Alex’s so certain I enjoyed his kiss that he doesn’t notice me slapping him. Before long, he touches his cheek, then walks away.
Bruce comes my way after a while, asking what happened. He’s caring, taking my side, despite his long friendship with Alex. Let me buy you a drink, he says. I see Gina dancing with Alex and I nod. He sits next to me, resting his hand on my thigh. I take it in my hands and put it on his drink. That’s where it belongs, I tell him. He grins and places it back onto my thigh. I feel like my body’s in the public domain now, like anyone can use it, however conveniently they wish, without my permission. I pour my drink onto his pants. What’s wrong with you? he asks.
Gina sits silently next to me, after Bruce and Alex leave the club. She orders another drink and sighs. A couple of sips later, she asks what went wrong. It may be the music, too loud, or the drinks, which made me dizzy, or I just wanted myself back, I tell her. She rolls her eyes, like she only hears cheap excuses. She insists I should have considered the option, like I should mute my natural inclination to freedom and appreciate the cage. Life in a cage is limited, yet all comforts are included. She considers me a mystery, a riddle, an ‘undefined’ territory, as if I’m divided by zero and don’t fit proper mathematics, or the proper world. You’ll end up alone with that attitude, she says and that’s almost a threat. A threat worse than death, only I know better; if my only chance at life is in a cage, I’ll spend it rattling the bars, for worse than loneliness or even death, is a life lived by me without my permission.
Mileva Anastasiadou is a neurologist from Athens, Greece. Her work can
be found or is forthcoming in many journals, such as the Molotov Cocktail,
Jellyfish Review, Sunlight Press (Best Small Fictions 2019 nominee), Ghost
Parachute, Gone Lawn, Ellipsis Zine, Queen Mob's Tea House, Bending Genres,
MoonPark Review, Litro and others.
@happymil_
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